Bawdy comedy with Edwin & thespian friend (link)

Please regard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zRWv47pP2Y

An improvised sketch concerning a débutante and a matriarch - transcript:

EDWIN: Och…dear…I’m just trying to sit my wee little pert bottom down.
MATRIARCH: Now sit down!
EDWIN: I just-
MATRIARCH: You know nothing about the ways of the world…or of young men.
EDWIN: Well what should I know?
MATRIARCH: Did you use those nipple creams that I suggested to you?
EDWIN: Well I did but I found a little…quite bad rosacea. [skin discolouration]
MATRIARCH: That’s because you have a couple of fried eggs…my dear! No man’s going to want those. You have to listen to me. I’ve had several cocks up me – regularly. And I can say that as a ‘woman of substance’.
EDWIN: Yes, but what substance dear?
MATRIARCH: Well, a rather sticky substance actually. I always make sure I clear it all up. I bring in the dachshunds. They lick it up a treat…
EDWIN: Well…now…look…I need to know the ways of the world and etiquette y’know because up in Scotland where the winds blowing round…out my ‘Trussocks’…y’know I-
MATRIARCH: I understand completely now, first of all, you must understand I don’t want to embarrass you. But, erm…talking… I don’t want to spell it out but…do you shave your snatch? I don’t want to embarrass you but that makes quite a difference to people. Okay?
EDWIN: Och yes. Well, I…I don’t shave it but erm…I singe it…I generally singe it with a candle, y’know?
MATRIARCH: Look dear…no, no…look I’ve got to be kind to you; you’re snatch is enormous, okay? And it reeks of cod! It absolutely reeks of haddock and cod. I’m not being unkind dear. The truth sometimes hurts.
EDWIN: But I couldn’t understand why your…your face was embedded in it?
MATRIARCH: Look, I was just investigating something for a novel I’m writing. You don’t understand these sorts of things. I was just tickling it with my tongue that was…look, I know about these things I’m a novelist. What I say is that you should shave it, smooth it, rub it down with some sort of grease…chip fat or something…and then you will entice the men. But look, let’s face it, your balls hang down by your waist. No man’s going to want that!
EDWIN: But I heard that your snatch is like barbed wire though…?
MATRIARCH: Oh that’s absolutely right. That’s why I let so many German prisoners of war shag me up the arse! It makes them feel at home.
EDWIN: Yes but did anyone ever escape though?
MATRIARCH: No I don’t think so. Oh they have named my snatch Colditz. Quite a massive toddle[?] up their actually.
EDWIN: Has anyone ever shoved their lookout tower up there?
MATRIARCH: No. Oh you could fit quite a big bayonet up there I can tell you.
EDWIN: What a ‘beef bayonet’? [slang word for a penis]
MATRIARCH: Oh, a big ‘beef bayonet’.
EDWIN: That’s always good.
MATRIARCH: I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I sometimes slip into a more Irish/Scottish accent. I don’t know where I’m from really…
EDWIN: Och, I don’t. y’know. Sometimes I go into a quite…quite delicate southern-
MATRIARCH: Yeah, I’m quite…but sometimes I have a bit more ‘gypsyness’. Sometimes my draws fall down ‘round my ankles.
EDWIN: And sometimes I’m er…I’m very, very French-
MATRIARCH: Sometimes I am French. Sometimes people say when I talk French that I am more masculine than feminine, but I think that my voice is also quite deep. That is because as well as being a woman with breasts and a virgina, I also have testicles and a big cock. That’s quite normal for some people. I don’t think that you should get a guarantee. It just means that I have various genitalia for every…whatever may come up. You don’t know when you might need other genitalia.
EDWIN: So er…Lady Bracknell, ‘ow…how d’you fancy me taking you up the ‘tradesman’s entrance’? [slang for rectum]
MATRIARCH: Young man I think you are quite outrageous to think to take me up the ‘tradesman’s entrance’! I want your cock, first (obviously) and then the butler will smear it and dab it with my napkins (which are hand embroidered with my initials) and then of course, you know, I want your cock on a silver platter…
EDWIN: So how d’you fancy me er…me shoving up all my fruit and veg’…y’know up every…er orifice?
MATRIARCH: Young ma…sir, you are quite a ruffian! I don’t…I think it’s absolutely disgusting! It’s been many, many, many times since I’ve had spunk rubbed into my nipples. Three or four or five minutes – at least! You make me sound like an absolute whore young man! Young man you are disgusting! I’ll take you down the porn shop…show you the film I made…eh…I wasn’t happy about it. I needed the money and that was all it was. I was very attached to pinky, perky…and that horse. I’m not happy about it.
EDWIN: But didn’t they…they lost the hamster up there? They had to entice it out with sunflower seeds?
MATRIARCH: Are you suggesting that my virgina is huge young man?
EDWIN: No, but there was a hamster and a rabbit and they were calling you erm, ‘Hutch’ weren’t they?
MATRIARCH: Well, I think you are disgusting young man. I’m going to have to bend you over and er… I’m going to have to take you with my large banging-stick. I’ve greased it regularly. Now come, Jeeves, bring in the banging-stick. I’ll now take him up the anus.
EDWIN: And on that note, we finish the broadcasting for BBC2. And er…next we will be investigating the erm…the…er…serial lesbianism of Ann Widdecombe.