Locking Horns with a Gargoyle

Perhaps it’s perverse to derive gratification through needling another human being? Ordinarily yes, but I refer obliquely to my recent ‘exchange’ of emails with Giles Muhame, managing editor of Rolling Stone. This Ugandan newspaper editor recently achieved worldwide infamy by outing gay men and women, publishing their addresses and calling for them to be hanged - essentially, murder by proxy.

(Can someone please remind me which century we occupy…?)

Mr. Muhame describes himself as ‘Christian’. However, perceptions of him in Europe differ markedly. Having undergone the persecution of Nazism, Europeans recognise the taint of religious and political extremism acutely. Sadly, Mr Muhame’s crusade against human diversity is only a part of a pandemic that has engulfed this region of Africa. (Please see my postings; ‘publish and be damned’ and ‘he who pays the piper’.)

So should Europe cut off all foreign aid and leave Uganda to the bidding of American Christian Fundamentalism? After all, it’s patently obvious that people like Giles Muhame are simply their ‘ventriloquist’s dummy’. No, let’s dissect this. Let’s deconstruct the mindset and hopefully engage in fruitful and gentlemanly debate.

Meanwhile… these are all very noble sentiments but I’ve taken an inordinate amount of Merlot this evening and find my aptitude for being a ‘master-baiter’ rekindled. Oh yes, goading is my catharsis, my Hajj and my ‘born again’ moment all rolled into one. So I emulated Giles Muhame’s lack of critical analysis and mindless misanthropy and leave you with the following transcript. Oh yes, Edwin B can be beastly too…

Subject: Blood on your hands
Edwin Black, January 28 at 5:06am.
A Ugandan friend of mine is distraught. His friend, David Kato Kisule (featured in your headline ‘100 pictures of Uganda’s top homos leak’) was recently murdered. I expect you are delightedly happy wth that outcome? My only observation is that you are really not a Christian and if hell exists, then please pass on my regards to Lucifer and remember your fire-proof knickers because that's probably where you’re headed.

Re: ‘Blood on your hands’
Muhame Giles January 28 at 8:50am Report
am too x-tian. Read Corinthians 6:12 -20: “Flee from sexual immorality, for he who sins sexually sins against his own body....”

(This appears to be an archaic diktat regarding prostitution. Am I missing something here...? Perhaps one of my more scholarly readers might be able to illuminate further?)

Subject: Thank you
Edwin Black January 31 at 11:25pm
Thanks for volunteering your ‘passage’. Very enjoyable! I hope you enjoy mine too (below) and I look forward to our next exchange. Edwin.

Interpretation of the Holy literature.

In her US radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination . End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

Re: Thank you
Muhame Giles February 1 at 12:04pm Report
boring

Re: Boring
Edwin Black February 1 at 6:01pm
- A bit like your stultifying editorials then...?

I couldn't resist the urge to bait further. Well, at least it might delay Mr. Muhame formulating his next murderous editorial...

Subject: Free career advice for a misanthrope
Edwin Black February 2 at 6:40pm

Any news on the Rolling Stone High Court injunction yet? Litigation can be terribly costly even for those with wealthy patrons. I hope you don’t end up bankrupt and having to tout your bottom on street corners. (To entice the men, why not tattoo a ‘w’ on each butt cheek - when you bend over it spells ‘wow’?)

Alternatively, you could always team up with Martin Ssempa for a comedy double act; ‘Pastor Poo-Poo and the Hanging Judge Hack’? ...Provided of course that he’s not busy screening gay porn in his church again. (I’m almost tempted to go along for a quiet jerk-off in the back row.)

Another career option might be to edit one of Scott Lively’s books, like ‘The Pink Swastika’. (I imagine he’s probably working on an amusing sequel claiming that Winston Churchill was a butch lesbian…?)

In fact, I’m sure there are many vocations more befitting than journalism for a Narcissistic personality disorder – a foreign dictator for instance? ‘General Giles and the Barmy Muhame Army’ sounds impressive. It would certainly provide you with further scope to incite a gay genocide.

Lastly, you could always become a paid volunteer for a human cloning experiment. That way you’d be able to go f*ck yourself.

Regards,
Edwin

At this point, I imagine Mr Muhame may have hurled his bible at his poor secretary in a fit of pique. However, sadly, I received no reply from our enraged Managing Editor. Days elapsed. Nonetheless, I persevered doggedly. I noticed that on a certain homepage, he describes himself (without a trace of irony) thus:

Basic Information about Muhame:

G-generous
I-intelligent
L-Lovin
E-energyetic
S-silly

M - mighty
U- unwed
H- humorous
A-amiable
M- meticulous
E- eloquent

“i am not always right, but i am never wrong”.
“Some times you have to wage war to live in peace”

Subject: Suggested revision for your homepage;
Edwin Black February 5 at 1:50am

G - grotesque
I - ignorant
L - laughable
E - egotistical
S - second class honours degree (at a third rate university)

M - murderous
U - unchristian
H - hack
A - antihuman
M - megalomaniac
E - evilgelical - sorry, evangelical

Regards,
Ed


No reply. How disappointing! Oh well, baiting can be such fun between consenting adults…


ENDNOTE.

An interesting finale to all this pointless blather is that ‘Giles Muhame’ is actually an anagram of ‘SMEGMA HUILE’. ‘Huile’ being French for oil. Hmm…well oily seems apt. As for ‘Smegma’ it's defined as a ‘thick cheese like secretion that accumulates beneath the prepuce (foreskin, or in the common tongue ‘nob-sleeve’).

- Strangely appropriate for a man who really knows how to get under a person’s skin…

© Edwin Black

Thanks for reading and might I mention that I’m still labouring over ‘The Buboes’; a wicked satire mentioned previously.

Fondest regards, Ed